Disciplining my children is all consuming. I feel like I am always telling someone "no" or "please don't do that". Time-out is a regular everyday thing. Spankings bring tears and it is all so very emotionally taxing to us all. When the girls misbehave we say that the offender is going to "have some discipline" just to keep them guessing. It really all depends on the offense and those words alone are enough to strike fear in the heart of our children.
I often get quite amused with the initial reaction on the girls faces when they get caught disobeying. The face either turns bright red or ghostly white and is often followed with a very sweet smile and sheepish giggle. I have grown cold to this kind of persuasion. Fortunately I remember that gut-wrenching feeling of being found out and all at once regretting what a moment ago seemed like such a good idea. That rememberance has helped me to check my anger in order to correct and discipline with a true desire to teach my girls what is pleasing, not only to Dan and I, but to God as well. Granted that isn't always the case. To my extreme displeasure, I do still lose my temper and get angry. Though I have learned that discipline during those times of anger only do more damage than good.
FaithLyn has started to exert her control over those younger and smaller than her by grabbing toys and yelling, "MINE!" Dan has been addressing this issue with her and today I heard her singing, "Mine, Mine, Mine, Mine". I thought that's what I heard but wanted to give her teh benefit of the doubt. So I asked her. SHe looked at me and said, "No, Mommy, I was saying Oh, My, Oh, My because Elise was closing the door." Clever girl!! At that point I had to recognize that I had trapped her. I knew for sure now that I had heard her correctly the first time and she was in fact lying to me. Lying in our house is a BIG "NO, NO". But How do I handle this because instead of asking her what she said I should have told her what I heard, not giving her the chance to make up a story. Well, I sent her to sit on my bed and wait for me while I talked to Elise about slamming the door. Actually, I was trying to buy time to figure out what to do.
What did I do? Well, FaithLyn, when asked what happens when we lie, said she should have a spanking. Not every offense deserves a spanking but lying is definitely one that is spankable. She has been testing us on this for a while and I want to be consitent in what is right and wrong but I couldn't help feeling like I had trapped her into lying. When I asked her why she was in trouble she knew what she did wrong. She immediately confessed to saying mine but wasn't so concerned with the fact that she hadn't told Mommy the truth the first time. So I compromised and gave her a hand spanking and we talked about telling the truth the first time every time.
So far, this is the HARDEST part of parenting. I have all these complicated feelings rushing around inside my heart. I want to love my children enough to teach them the hard lessons now instead of them learning them on their own later. But I am so afraid of losing their love. Isn't that crazy? I never stopped loving my parents, in fact I ALWAYS respected them more for sticking to the boundries they set. They may not believe that because of the number of times that I tested them but it's true. Yet, I still want to be a friend to my girls sometimes more than I want to be the parent. The Heavy, the inforcer, the BAD GUY.
I just have to remember that there has to be a balance and God will be faithful to work in my girls hearts just as He works in mine. Love is a complicated thing and I am so glad that we have an able teacher in the Holy Spirit. I just have to be willing to be teachable. I am really not much different from my girls. I pray that I can love them as my Heavenly Father and my earthly Father have loved me.
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