The ME! Monster

I love being a mom. There is nothing in this world that I would rather do. Why then do I wake in the morning and groan about the day ahead? Why do I look forward to my shower because I know the girls will be playing in their room and leave me alone? Why does my mouth salivate in anticipation for my cup of coffee during nap time, MY special alone time? Then I find myself just making it until bedtime so that I can enjoy myself or time with Dan, alone.

I realized, today, that I wish everyday away. Granted there are moments in everyday that I stop and enjoy my girls, but MOMENTS, why not all the time, every moment? Why do I wake up feeling burdened by the work I know they will create for me? Am I so selfish? YES!! To my extreme shame, I am.

I want to get excited about nap time being over, about "special time with Mommy", about quiet moments snuggled up with my girls and a good, silly, book. Too often I find myself going through the motions, telling myself that I NEED to do these things for the girls. What happened to WANTING to do them? I think I could probably make excuses for myself like: things will change when Olivia gets a little older, or I won't always be so tired. But if I am really being honest with myself, you, and my Savior, I have to admit that I am inherently selfish and disgustingly lazy!

Before you all hastily comment on how it is impossible to be lazy with three small children let me calm you a bit. It would never appear to the untrained eye that I am lazy. My days are always full. I am always busy doing something. I never stop doing the things that I know I need to do. But my attitude, my spirit is so begrudging of this busyness. I have been frustrated for some time that I am no longer able to get the house clean and laundry done all in one day. I like to do this so that I can enjoy the rest of the week. I have convinced myself that I do this so I can devote more "special" time to the girls. The truth is I do it so that I can devote more time to myself! When I am, by some miracle, able to accomplish the housework quickly I send the girls to play by themselves. I tell myself that it is good for them to learn to play on their own and I am sure there is some merit to this. The truth, I don't want to sit on the floor and have a tea party for 30 minutes! I don't want to teach the girls to play with dolls or build with blocks.

I guess this long confession is just to say that even though I LOVE being a mom and staying home with the girls, I want to REALLY enjoy every day of it. I want the girls to know me and desire my company. I am not saying that there is anything wrong with looking forward to some quiet time with my husband at the end of the day, but what God has been teaching me lately is that I have only been thinking of my own comforts. What do I want to do, what will make me happy, what would I like to eat tonight, what would make the day enjoyable for me? Not only have I not been thinking of what would please my children, I have totally stopped trying to think of the comforts of my husband. Granted, I still do the work, but my sad little heart has been consumed with thoughts of self.

I am reminded that God doesn't want my work or need it for that matter! He desires and even died to have my HEART! Faith without works is dead, but works without faith is only busyness!! I admit that it is so much easier to get in a routine of work because then you don't have to think about it. But the Lord keeps calling to my heart, not my actions. Thank God He isn't satisfied by my actions alone. What a sad and burdensome life this would be. He can make my heart rejoice in the work and even look forward to fun time with my kids. I guess that is why it is so important to love what you do, otherwise it is just work. That's exactly how life with Jesus is. If you stop loving Him, it's only work. Thank goodness He never gets tired of loving us or blessing us out of His unimaginable love.