Hidden in our Hearts

This is a hard post for me to write. God has revealed to me some dark places in my heart that need to be given back to my Lord.

You would think that I would have this, "trust God for all provision" thing down by now. But I was made sadly aware of my lack of trust today. We decided to go eat at Chick-fil-A for lunch today. On the drive there I was thinking of money and how irresponsible it was for us to be eating out right now. Especially after learning that our van was going to need repairs that would total $1100. So I was guilt ridden and wallowing in self-pity. "If only...things were different...if only...we were in a church making a salary... if only...." See I wasn't worried about the money we needed to spend or the money we don't need to spend what I was really worried about was having to adjust our lifestyle to fit with with the funds that the Lord is providing for us. I mean things are already hard enough, right. What if I have to give up my internet connection or our great long distance phone plan or HEAVEN FORBID...stop eating out!!!?

Then at an intersection while we are stopped at a red light Dan sees man with a sign that reads, "Hungry + Broke" He asks me if we have any money and I assume he is asking so we can pay for our lunch in cash. Yes, I too, had seen this man. My thoughts were so consumed by my own selfishness that I didn't even realize what Dan meant. We had $17 dollars in cash. Dan said, "I meant for that guy."
"Oh, yeah, how about three?" That was pretty generous. I mean it was more than 10%!! And I had to think about how we were going to pay for our lunch, RIGHT?

Dan gives the man the measely 3$ and his face lights up. "OH, Thank You! God Bless You." He says.

Dan asks the girls to pray for that man and as we prayed my heart was broken. I realized that We were supposed to give that man $17!! Dan offered to turn around and go back because I was obviously very distraught. Darn, those pregnancy hormones! We went ahead and ate our lunch but came up with a plan of action. We figured out an easy way to make it back to the intersection where the man was. It took all of the self-control I could muster not to bawl through the whole meal. I wasn't a very conversationalist.

We hurried everyone through their chicken nuggets and fruit and set off to try and set rught my convictions. When we got to the intersection the man was gone! I was so broken hearted! I missed my chance to recieve the full blessing of the Lord by giving more than I thought I could to someone in need.

The girls asked why we were coming back when we had already given the man money and "Mommy, why are you crying?" We got to explain to the girls that Jesus tells us in Matt. 5:42, "Give to him who asks you, and from him who wants to borrow from you do not turn away." I explained that God wants us to trust Him to give us all that we need. And it makes Him happy when we give to others. But I was only thinking about us and not that man. I gave him a little but I should have given him all that we had. FL asked, "But don't we need money, too, Mommy?"
Yes, but we have other money and we should have given all of the money that we had with us to that man. His sign said he needed money and we had some and Mommy is so sad because God told me to give it all and I wasn't listening hard enough to hear Him in time.

Dan got to explain about convictions and he assured me that the girls learned much more from this than they would have if I had given all of the money the first time. I realize that I wouldn't have learned as much either.

I jsut kept picturing that man was Jesus and all I was willing to give Him of myself was 15%. Everyday Jesus asks us to give ourselves to Him. Today, I didn't. I was caught going through the motions. I was only giving enough of myslef to calm my mind. But Matthew 6:21 says, "For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."

My treasure today was self. I was so deep in my own "troubles" I couldn't even see the gravity of other's. Now, it doesn't matter to me if that man was a professional or not. I don't care if he does that everyday and makes more money than we do. The lesson that I learned is that God can provide for my family and we still have so much more than some. When the Lord is my treasure and my portion then only will I be truly satisfied. If I have to give up every comfort I have ever known in order to follow my Christ, I STILL WANT TO FOLLOW HIM! I will probably grieve every loss but I am learning that if my treasure is stored above, then there is nothing of importance that can be taken away from me.

I am so sorry, Lord that I missed your call today. I pray that you would bring Your light to those dark places in my heart and that I would truly be willing to sacrifice anything in order to follow You. I pray that those 3$ that I begrudgingly gave that man will bring glory to you, Lord. I pray that you would bless that man and as FaithLyn prayed, Help that man and everyone else who doesn't have money get some.
Even if every cent is supposed to come from me. Thank You, Lord for your conviction and may it burn in my heart always! In Jesus sanctifying and Holy name, AMEN.