But Judson is most likely our last baby that I will get to nurse. I have enjoyed and relished this baby boy. Every first for him has been so bittersweet for me. We reached a new milestone recently. And just typing it up makes my chest go tight and my eyes burn with fresh tears. This morning I nursed my sweet gift from God for the very last time. It came much sooner than I would have liked but my plans are not always the best plans. I knew I would have to be weaning him within the month and this caught me off guard, but I know my Savior has our best in mind.
This summer Mimi has made it possible for me to go with Dan and the youth group on our mission trip to New York. It is SO wonderful to get to do more alongside my husband in his ministry. We are learning how to incorporate our family in that ministry as well. It is a wonderful thing! But for the last 5 or 6 years my help in Dan's work has been limited because of babies. Also a wonder thing! It looks like we are turning a corner in our family life. The next stage of life. I have been in the baby stage for so long that I am scared to move on. I know that my primary roles in life are still wife and mother, but not having an infant allows a little more freedom to offer more parts of my abilities in other areas of my life. I am unsure of my abilities in any other part of the world outside of mommyland. I remember when I last felt this way. I was pregnant with FaithLyn, graduated from college and learning what it really meant to be a housewife. It was a hard time for me. I was so unsure of myself. All of the things that I knew I could do well I was no longer doing. Looking back, I know that it is a wonderful place to be. I know I will be growing. God will be teaching me new abilities. I will grow in my roles as wife and mother, daughter and sister, minister's wife and friend. I am still unsure, but I have a stronger faith in my Lord than I did six years ago. I know that my Lord has a plan for me that will make me a better version of me; a better reflection of Him.
I know that. But it is hard to move on. It is hard to leave the version of you that you have grown comfortable in. Only God knows if I will ever be back in this stage, but for now.....I am moving on. It doesn't seem like it has been long enough. But it is time. My little man has already taken the first step to independence. He is already moving away from needing his mommy for everything. That's good. It is the natural way of life. But the natural way of life is hard for mommies to submit to. My little man is growing up and changing, so am I.
2 comments:
Oh sweetie! We are at the same point. I could have written your post word for word except I am still nursing Miss Sassy. I think you are so right when you said you have been in the baby role for so long it is hard to move on. I feel the same in many ways. I am almost certain our family is complete, but I am scared to utter those words out loud. I never thought we would stop at two, but here we are.
I will pray for you and that this crossroads will lead you closer to Him. I am praying that for myself as well, but it is so hard.
I am here for you!
I know exactly what you mean Kelli. I may not quite be there to that point, but we probably will be soon. It is so scary, but yet so exciting at the same time! When Jonah was first born and it was hard for me to give up the things I'd been used to, I would long for the day that I could be free from the "chains". That sounds awful, but that's how I felt. Now, I can't imagine not being without those infant "chains", and God has really helped me realize that there is a time for everything. I may not can do everything at all stages, but definitely appreciate those times because they pass quickly. I seem to be finding myself singing that old song "to everything turn, turn, turn, there is a season ...." I rejoice with you to enter a new phase, I know God equipped you for whatever phase you're in. Love you.
Post a Comment