Let's be Honest

Ok, really....Most of you that read this know me. Some of you know me well enough to know that I may appear to have it all together but in reality it just APPEARS that way. Not that I try to pretend.......

Well, ok, I did say we should be honest. I caught myself the other day, pretending. The saddest part was that I was doing a miserable job at it. Why is it that as soon as you start trying to appear like you are Wonder Woman/ Super Mom that is inevitably the moment that everything falls apart! I'm not really asking. I know why. I serve a God that loves me enough to not let me pretend for a moment that I can do it all without Him.

The day of our churches child/baby dedication was the day that the Lord chose to show me my inability to be Wonder Woman/Super Mom. The week before the dedication Dan and I picked out meaningful verses for each of our children, we wrote heart-felt letters, we were ready to publicly dedicate our children to the Lord. That morning I was a frazzled MESS! I almost cried a million times that morning, I yelled at my children, tried to fool my parents into believing I can do it all so they would be super proud, floated through church like a zombie and finally succumbed to the tears when we got home and I faced the task of making lunch.

What did I accomplish by this little one person production? I will tell you what I didn't accomplish. I didn't prove to anyone that I am a better mother based on how my children look on Sunday mornings. I didn't fool my parents. They know me to well. They already think I am a good mother, though. They love me to well. I didn't enjoy this meaningful opportunity to dedicate, publicly, my children's lives to the Lord. I don't even remember it! You want to know what I remember? I remember Elise climbing up on the stage and then sitting down on the steps. I remember Olivia talking and crying because she wanted to be with Nana in the pew. I remember squeezing Elise's shoulder to get her to stand still, making her cry......during the prayer of dedication. I remember thinking, "Everyone is looking at us and what are they going to think of this Youth Minister and his family?"

ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? What has happened to me? Since when did I care what they thought? Well, I have always cared but I haven't been sleep deprived enough to let anyone know it. It has always been my "act" to seem disintrested in the opinions of others.

It is an act.

It is my way of protecting myself. If I act like I don't care then if they don't like me maybe it won't hurt so bad. Well. It usually doesn't consume me like it did that day. But the ugliness of it came crashing in on me hard! I have a two-month old son. OK!!! I do not have it all together! I am TIRED. I reach a point almost every day that if one more child comes and asks me for something I will LOOSE IT!!

BUT, I can not even imagine doing anything else in the world. I don't have to have it all together to be a good mom. I don't even have to pretend to have it all together! Why do I try?
I often get so focused on portraying the wonderful life that God has given me and that I rejoice in daily that I forget to actually enjoy the wonderful life that God has given me. Am I alone out there? Come on Moms, give me some love. I am not the only one out there that tries to appear like Super Mom . . . . . am I???

Even if I am the only one, I am NOT Super Mom. I am just, Kelli. Daughter of the Most Holy God, wife of Daniel, mother of FaithLyn, Elise, Olivia, and Judson. That is enough. That is all I need to strive for.

No more pretending........Not today anyway, I already burned our dinner!

My Poor Little Man

I have been so frustrated with the progress, or should I say Lack of Progress!, with Judson. You see, I am a Babywiser. I schedule my kids. The others have done really well with it and it helps me know what to expect. Anyway, all that aside, it just hasn't been working with Judson. He cries A LOT! I cry a lot, too. He isn't sleeping through the night and he is very rarely just content. I was beginning to take it personally.

Do you other Moms ever have moments where you finally can see all the hard things from a different perspective and you realize they aren't just hard for the sake of being hard. There really is something wrong. Then you sheepishly look down and shuffle your feet and mumble, "Oh, that's why things have been so hard."

About two weeks ago I took Judson to the doctor for a cough. We had been passing this cough around for about a month and half so I assumed he had finally gotten it from his overly affectionate sisters. The doctor quickly diagnosed reflux and prescribed some medication to help strengthen the muscle that closes off the stomach from the esophagus. Anyway, I was doubtful of the diagnosis. So for the last two weeks I have been thinking that Jusdon was purposefully waking up at night just to keep me from getting a good nights sleep. Then he purposefully doesn't sleep during nap time so he can yet again keep me from getting some much needed sleep. It was all very personal! That little toot was doing this on purpose! I mean good grief he is huge! He shouldn't have any trouble sleeping! And why does he insist on waking up 45-50 mins into each nap!? He must have it in for me!

Well, this morning after a rough night, I was ready to give up. I went into my room, hid behind the bed and curled up in the fetal position and cried. I am a little sleep deprived. While I was praying that God would have mercy on my sad little soul I realized that maybe I should do a little research into this reflux thing. Thank you, Lord for placing that thought in my mind.

When I looked it up on the internet everything started to make sense. All of the symptoms. The fussiness, ALL DAY! The waking at night with bouts of screaming. The gagging and coughing, the wheezing, the spitting up. So, at this point I sheepishly look down at my feet and say, "Oh, that's why things have been so hard."

Now that I am armed with the knowledge of what this really is, even though the doctor already told me!, I can do it. You see, I was expecting things to work a certain way. With FaithLyn and Elise it worked. Then I thought about Olivia, hmmm....It makes sense now. She must have dealt with this too. She had all the same symptoms. Except she cried all night and Judson cries all day. With Olivia I kept trying to make her do it my way and she was not physically able. I wasn't doing anything wrong and as soon as her reflux got better then all the work that we had done on shedule just fell into place. But unfortunately she never was a great sleeper like the other girls. I was determined not to make that mistake again. And here we are!

Oh well, at least we caught it this time. I am so thankful for a doctor who listened to me and diagnosed the problem quickly. Now that I have faced reality that it's just going to be different I can hopefully move forward. I realize now that letting him sleep in the rocker during the day is ok. He has to sleep and letting him cry only makes his reflux worse. Giving him his pacifier isn't going to keep him from learning to go to sleep on his own. I am not going to rely on these things but I will now allow myself to use these things as a resource to help get through this. This will not last forever!

I will sleep peacefully again......someday. I have hope again. That's all I needed. I had it all along and I refused to grasp it and hold on tight. I will now. I am hanging on for dear life to the hope that this to shall pass.

How often have I done this is other areas of my life? I have certain expectations for how things should go and I miss all the signs that things are just different this time. I keep trying to fit life or God or people into these neat little boxes that I can understand. Sometimes it works. But most times life is just MESSY! I keep trying to tell myself I have it all figured out and then BAM! something comes along and I have to face the fact that I still have a lot of learning to do. No matter how many kids we have each one will be different and things that worked once might not ever work again! That's life. I don't really want to have it all figured out, do I?

Two Months. . . .only two?

Our little man is two months old. I have to keep telling myself that this little guy is only two months old. For some reason I keep trying to push him on to the next stage. Sleeping through the night would be nice. . .but I am not sure why I can't get my mental time lapse to line up with reality.

We took Judson and Olivia to the doctor this morning. Olivia has ear infections in both ears and the doctor thinks Judson has reflux. I am not so sure about that one but we will see. Anyway, the exciting part for me was the part where they weigh everyone. I have been so anxious to see how much chunky monkey man weighs. They weighed him with his clothes on so it isn't official but today he weighed 13 lbs 2 oz. That's one pound shy of doubling his birth weight. But now I know he can sleep through the night!!! SO he has a few more days then the night time trips to the all night all-you-can-eat milk bar are done!!!

This weekend is baby dedication at church and we are dedicating all the kiddos since we never had a chance before. We wrote them letters and picked a verse. They will open their letters on their 12th birthday's. My parents are getting to come up for it and I am so excited to make it a special day for our family. The girls are just pumped that Nana and Papa are coming! Hopefully pictures of that special event will be coming soon!

Jud-the-Stud and little Livy

Next week we are going for Judson's two-month check up. I have a hard time believing it has only been two months! SO much has happened in that short time and well, look at him! He's huge! I have never had a baby this big at 8 weeks! Perhaps I just forget after having little Olivia. She was so small for so long. But he's doing really well. He can hold his head up off of my sholder when I am holding him. I don't even have to hold his wobbly head anymore. He is so strong! If I hold his head or try to make him lay it down on my shoulder he gets pretty upset with me.


















They say everything is bigger in Texas.....




















These are just some cute pictures of Olivia. She found Daddy's hat and I just couldn't resist a few shots.


















Does this one look like trouble or what?!

FUN Friday

Welcome to the Goose Park. That's what we call it anyway. Since FaithLyn has started to Preschool I am trying to make Fridays special for the kiddos at home. Sometimes that means we have our own little preschool class and sometimes it means we have a special trip somewhere. This time we went to the park to play.




It was fun to see the girls run and play. I tried to take lots of pictures because somehow that makes it seem so much more special. Well, that and to make up for my lack of pictures over this last crazy month we have been through.

Our 5 Year Old!

FaithLyn had her 5th birthday on Sept. 20. She had quite a birthday, too. She got to celebrate twice! Her actually birth day was spent at Nana and Papa's house. Memaw made her a yummy cake and she got to open her presents from Nana and Papa and one from Mimi and PopPop.
That was a quickly planned and executed visit so I forgot to pack the camera. "Shoot, where's the camera?" is going to be my new catch phrase.



Let me introduce you to the newest member of our family. This cute little pup is Shelby/Sarah. FaithLyn has never asked for any specific toy for her birthday or ever for that matter so this year when she asked for a Puppy Grows and Knows Your Name(Yes, that is the name of this toy!) I was heartbroken when I found out how much it cost. Too much for our budget. But Nana and Papa pulled through and we are now the happy owners of Shelby. The girls were so excited when FaithLyn opened the present! I told FaithLyn she better give Nana and Papa a big hug and Elise went immediately to give hugs too. She knows the rules all to well at our house. We share all the toys here so FaithLyn fun new toy would be fun for all!
She also got lots of great new clothes and some great new Adventures in Odessy to listen to at night, thanks to Mimi and PopPop.


I am usually not a big fan of lots of presents and getting exactly what you want but this time it was ok. My mom needed a reason to be super extra good to the girls and since we all share ALL of our toys in our house it works out for everyone.


She was pretty proud of her birthday cake. She picked out that cake all by herself. It was pretty cute, I have to say. Dan and I decided to get her an easel for her birthday. She is always asking me if we can paint or do a craft. This way I can give her a little help and she can get going on her own. Thanks to Nana and Papa she now has a large supply of art materials that are all hers and easily accessable.
When we got home on Saturday we had our little birthday celebration with Daddy. He had to stay and work so he missed the other party.

But Daddy knows how to make a day special. We went to The Plex, a family fun center and he took FaithLyn and Elise both riding on the bumper cars and then we all went on the bumper boats. THen we went inside to add to the frenzy of children pouring money and tokens into the games for those little tickets that will redeem for tacky and useless prizes. We didn't stay there long. Mommies nerves were unable to take the chaos for very long.
All in all, I would say FaithLyn had a pretty eventful birthday week. We sure are thankful for our sweet girl!
Happy Birthday, FaithLyn!

Time sure does fly when you aren't sleeping!

I can't believe that Judson is already one month old! I am even a little late. He's already 5 weeks old. He is more alert when he is awake and he is awake a bit more these days.

He has started to go back to sleep after I feed him at night. Which means he realizes that it is night time when it is actually night time! This step is huge! I thought for a while I would be living with 3 hours sleep every night! I knew it would end but in the middle of sleeplessness you get a little irrational!

We are so blessed by our BIG boy! He is everything a boy should be. He eats lots and isn't afraid to tell me he wants to eat either.



















Looking at how much he has grown in these pictures is amazing!! But he is still very much a newborn. We are still not sleeping through the night but right now I am glad he sleeps at night at all! Baby steps...baby steps!


















He is losing his hair right in front and he looks very much like a little old man, but I sure do love him! We are all anxiously awaiting his first smile. I am sure it will melt my heart! He also has started to coo every once in a while. SO Sweet is this little man that the Lord has blessed us to care for!

More Fun with Daddy

Last Saturday Dan took the girls with him to Fort Worth. He needed to get his books for his Seminary class and I needed some rest! So they packed up and took off early Saturday morning and visited some of our old haunts. The girls were pretty excited to visit the Fort Worth Museum of Science AND their all time favorite....The Cowgirl Museum! They had a blast!!

Just the Six of us.....Now WHAT!?!?

I was quite a bit more emotional about waking up without Mimi here than I thought I would be. The task before me seemed quite large. The emotional breakdown probably had something to do with the kind of night I had with Judson. Not the greatest but we are still learning right?

We have made it slowly but surely through the biggest part of the day. Tonight is church and Dan is going to take the girls to church with him. That way I can get a little rest.

I was a little more overwhelmed than I bargained for with the needs of the big girls. They wanted to be with me all day and unfortunately I haven't the energy to entertain. But tonight is another night to try again with Judson and tomorrow is another day to try again with the girls. At least I don't have to make dinner for a while! God Bless those church members who are bringing meals for the next 10 nights!! Praise the Lord!!

Thanks Mimi, for making it even easier than I realized while you were here. We have been praying for your trip home! I bet Pop Pop will sure be glad to have you back! We sure do miss you though!

Settling In

We are starting to get settled in. Thanks to Diana, Mimi, we are plugging away. She has been a lifesaver! She has kept life moving right along as normal as possible for the big girls. I dare say they have been having quite a bit more fun than will be possible in the coming weeks. She is the resident hero around here!
Tomorrow Dan starts back to work and it's Mimi's last day. . . I find myself wishing I had slept more while I could.

Last night, or should I say this morning,the exhaustion set in at about 4:30 when I was feeding Judson. Dan had to get him for me and just lay him bed with us. But life with four is going to be so sweet and such an adventure!

The girls are so sweet and very much in love with their baby brother. Elise asks everytime she sees Judson if she can hold him for me. She has such a caring heart! She got Olivia's first smile and laugh and she is well on her way to winning Judson's heart too.

Olivia keeps wanting to "tiss, tiss" (kiss) the baby everytime she sees him which is usually when I am feeding him.

We are having so much fun with a little boy. I am not sure why it is so different but it is SOOO VERY DIFFERENT! And this little Momma LOVES it! He is my little man and it is so sweet!











MORE TO COME.........

Here's our little Man!

Judson Elliott

August 5, 2007

3:56 pm

7lbs. 4 oz.

19 3/4 in.

These are a little out of order but this is our man on his way home from the hospital. Then some relaxing at home. The other pictures are pretty self explanitory. My parents drove in and kept the girls right after church as Dan and I dashed off to the hospital. Then when Dan's mom got here around 12:30 am my parents made the 3 hour drive back home. I got some pictures of them holding Judson because they forgot their camera in the rush to get here to help. When I get a little time to think about it a little more I will write out the whole birth story for those of you who like that sort of thing, but first things first, right? We need to see some pictures of this little guy!

He got a great bill of health from the doctor. The sonogram on his kidneys came back 100% normal. They aren't the slightest bit enlarged. Praise the Lord! He is eating like a champ and sleeping really well too. But that's no surprise most newborns sleep well.

We came home Tuesday night from the hospital. I was feeling so well and ready to get home that the doctor let me go. I will give all the details later but God was so gracious to us through this whole process. I can't wait to tell of all of the ways that God blessed us through this time! It was such a great experience. Thank you all for your prayers!

Prayer Request

It looks like I will be making a trip to the hopital this morning as soon as Dan gets home from church. He was preaching this morning.

I am having similar pain to when Olivia was born. No definite contractions but enough pain to keep me up all night and achy all over. The pain is concentrated in my belly. The fear is that my uterin wall is getting too thin to support baby any more. That's my fear anyway. So I will soon be making a trip to the hospital to see what the Dr. thinks. It has been about a day and half that I have had pretty intense pain. It isn't getting better so we are going in.

I got to hear Dan in the early service this morning. I was awake, I might as well go and sit there. He did a great job by the way.

We'll keep you posted!

Worry Wart

Sometimes I have these bouts of worry. They usually descend on me in times of transition. I have one coming up...a new baby. The thing is. . . . all these things I worry about, well, for the most part they are out of my control. Most of them come from irrational fear. Like......what if one of the children becomes severely ill. GOOD GRIEF WOMAN!! Don't you remember the verse about borrowing trouble from tomorrow?

Even now as I am confessing this weakness to you it seems so much smaller, yet moments ago, my heart was pounding and I was overcome with all of the what ifs that were floating around in my head.

Back in Fort Worth I realized that I needed to learn to live in contentment. The very definition of contentment goes against my current state of mind. Contentment: a feeling of calm satisfaction.

As I struggled this morning with my fear and worry I also was crying out to God for peace. You see I don't have to live like this! I can choose contentment. I CAN be satisfied with the life and lot that God given me. Usually my discontent comes when I focus on the things I do not have. How can I be satisfied if I am only thinking of what I do not have! I assure you my list of blessings FAR outweighs the list of not haves. In my journey to peace and contentment I realized that I need to "be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with THANKSGIVING, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6,7 (emphasis mine)

SO if I am making my requests known to GOd with thanksgiving, then that means that I am thanking him for His part in providing for me. I pray BELIEVING that my God will provide for my needs. That's where the peace that passes all understanding comes from!

I sometimes have to make lists. If I can see my thoughts written down then very often they are not quite as intimidating and I can put them in their proper place. So, practically, I need to sit down with my fears and worries and write them down. In an attitude of prayer I can seperate my fears into things I can help change and things I have no control over. Then with thanksgiving I can give this list over to God and let Him develop a plan of action or simply provide His all surpassing peace. It sure beats laying in bed thinking of all the bad things that could happen. Sheesh! This morning I felt paralyzed by these fears that were constantly rolling around in my head. I couldn't escape the should of's, what if's and Heaven Forbid scenarios that I had created.

This morning I realized that contentment is a discipline we must learn to practice. Contentment isn't some desired state that we arrive at. There will always be something more we could have or something we wish we had done differently. Contentment is satisfaction. Satisfaction is fleeting. I am going to strive to pursue and practice contentment. TRUE CONTENTMENT that is only available through my Savior and Lord Jesus Christ. Through an attitude of gratitude I am determined to set aside those things that hinder me from achieving the life of joy and reconciliation my Lord died to give me. and YOU!

The Official Countdown Has Begun!

7 Days and counting!

5 Days until Mimi Comes to HELP!!

Happy 2nd Birthday, Olivia!

What a day! Nana and Papa came for the festivities, we made ice cream and had cake, opened some presents and played in the water. It was fun for everyone! We love it when Nana and Papa can come even if it's only for a few hours.

Olivia, I can't believe you are already 2 years old. I can't imagine our family without you. You are growing and learning so much. Pretty soon FaithLyn is going to have some real competition for the role of boss. You already have such strong opinions. You know what you like yet you still try new things. You are so much fun. I love to hear you laugh and play. I love to hear your sweet little voice. Everytime you ask to pray like the ''big girls'' it just melts my heart to hear you say, Der Jsus.

You are so eager to learn. I pray that your heart stays eager to learn. I pray that you always desire to call out to Jesus. I also pray that you will build strong and healthy relationships with your sisters, your brother, and all those close to you. May God bless your desire to lead in a way that makes that the beauty of the Cross desirable to all those around you.

I love you so much, sweet girl. It is amazing how fast you are growing. I love you more each day. Even on the days that you stay in trouble for pushing the boundries your Daddy and I have set for you I love you still. And even more than your Daddy and I love you Your heavenly Father loves you perfectly and passionately. May He be your desire and may all your desires be fulfilled!

AUGUST 10!!

I have just returned from my weekly visit to the doctor and we have finally scheduled the C-section.

The big day will be August 10, 2007. That is exactly two weeks from today. WHOO Hooo! I am so ready to see this little guy on the outside. I have gotten some pretty good visuals of his little tail end trying to poke through my tummy, so it will be nice to see his little face.

Please be in prayer for us as we prepare for this transition.

Baby Update

Well we got the official word from a specialist today that this little guy is doing fine. The kidneys are a little large but not overly large. And they do have a small amount of fluid retention but nothing to worry about. He concluded that they are functioning just as they should and we will just let the pediatrician know and he will follow up after this guy makes his appearance.

We should know a definite date for said arrival soon. It could be as soon as 3 weeks!
Thanks again to Gerlthouse for the fun day for the girls!! But I am swollen to twice the size I was this morning and that's just not even funny, comfortable, or attractive so I am going to bed. Hopefully the magic of slumber will morph my poor legs and ankles back to their normal pregnant larger than normal but not elephantine size.

Texas Heat Wave!

This is about the only way I can stand to be outside! Water is required.

And since the girls have been BEGGING me to play outside I finally gave in. The water felt great! Not too cold but not hot. Very refreshing. We went out again this morning and enjoyed some good time outside.

For all of those of you that have been praying for me while Dan is away this week, THANK YOU!! It has been a much better week than I anticipated. I have done some cooking, cleaning, and we haven't had the TV on non-stop. It's just been a nice slow week for us. We have enjoyed our time but MAN do we miss Daddy!

Almost immediately after I finished posting about the baby's kidney's and waiting to hear the results of the sonogram, my Doctor called. Ok, how many times have any of you other mothers had your OB actually call you at your house, just to chat or see how you are doing? Yeah, I thought so. It really freaked me out. He said that the baby's kidneys are still enlarged and show that they are holding some fluid so he wanted to send me to see a specialist for a level 2 sonogram to further diagnose the situation. I realize now that he needed to call to find out when to make the appointment. I mean, the clock is ticking on this pregnancy, right!? At the time I was just too taken back by an actual phone call from my doctor to think clearly. Oh, and did I mention he wanted to send me to Fort Worth the following week! Yep, that's right, the week that Dan is gone to New Orleans with the youth group I am packing the girls up for a trip to FW to see a specialist. Thankfully we have some great friends there who have agreed to keep the girls so I can actually concentrate at my appointment. Thanks, Gerlthouse! This will definitely make the day a lot more enjoyable for me. Not only will I have a more definite idea about what is going on with this baby but I also get to visit with some friends.

Who do you think I called first after my phone call with the doctor? My husband, right. Wrong. I called Gerlthouse immediately! I had to make sure that she was going to be around and would be willing to make her house a day care for a while. Maybe it would have been a better idea to call my husband first. I was like a blubbering fool! I am sure Erin would have agreed to anything I was so upset. I should have taken advantage of that! I might have been able to get a week out of her! ;)

To make a long story short, Dan went with me to see the doctor for my scheduled appointment the day following my chat with the Dr. on the phone. We went, after I had called all my family and alerted them enough to keep most of them from sleeping well that night, to get a few more questions answered. I just needed to know what to expect. I mean, with Dan being a couple of states away I needed to know if there was any possibility that I might be wisked into a delivery room. It has happened before!

The doctor answered all of my questions and was very reassuring. He assured me that he would let me know if I needed to be concerned. This is just a precaution. Although he can't be certain it isn't something serious none of the symptoms that would cause real concern are present. So, I have been biding my time this week to find out the skinny on my baby boy's big kidneys. We go tomorrow. The appointment is at 3. SO if you have the desire to pray for us, we sure would appreciate it. You might also pray for a good trip to FW as far as travel goes. You can look back a few months to experience our last trip back to FW. I really would hate to duplicate that visit!

Happy Birthday, Pop Pop!!

Happy Birthday, Pop Pop!!

We sure do wish we could be there to celebrate with you! We miss you and love you so much!!