My heart often flip flops between desiring order and chaos. The chaotic times send my heart trembling back, head hanging low, crying out in desperation for order. Then when a livable amount of order is established that same heart recklessly and with full abandon runs screaming wildly into chaos.
Right now, I just want some regularity. My baby is almost 8 months. This is usually when it starts to set in........THE CHANGE. I can feel the tremors and desperation setting in. It's probably because I have just been surviving for so long and now mere survival is no longer enough. We need to thrive. And I can not thrive in chaos, why should I expect my children to?
It has taken me a LONG time to admit that I am not a spontaneous free-spirit. I never really thought I was but having to admit that I am power-driven and control-hungry......well that just isn't as flattering, now is it? Thankfully, having an organized home and heart doesn't have to be about power or control. That's probably why it's so hard for me to accomplish.
There are so many things that I want to do and be as a Wife and Mom. If I just float through each day reacting to the immediate then all of those ideals that I have for my family wash away with the laundry and dishes. I am no longer satisfied with just making it through the day. Yet there are days that I must be satisfied with survival. What I have learned is that I will never accomplish anything with out a plan.
If being a wife and mother and keeper of the home is my job; I need to take it seriously. For me that means making a plan and making plans starts with making goals. Once the goals are established then I form my plan of action and that plan of action usually ends up being a schedule. I always tell myself I hate schedules. I don't like to feel tied down. But really I am just scared of failure. What if I can't do it. What if I realize how poorly I am equipped to do this thing that will shape four little people into who they will be.......Or what if I get tied to the schedule and forget about the people it is supposed to benefit?
I am breaking out in a cold sweat just thinking of it. But then from deep within a warm comforting peace starts to calm me from the inside out. It's not my job to ensure success in my children. It is not my job to be a successful Mom. Don't get me wrong I want to be a great Mom, and I want to produce God-followers, but the results of motherhood can't be measured in success and failure.
3 comments:
Oh Kelli, this post is such a timely reminder for me! I really resonate with the fluctuating between order and chaos and the schedule struggles. I'm not yet at the point where I admit very freely how inflexible I am (power-hungry, control freak...*sigh*), and I still struggle with bouts of fear over whether I'm doing well enough for my kids to grow into God-following, well-equipped human beings. Thanks, once again, for being transparent and allowing the Lord to speak encouragement through you. :)
Kelli,
If you only knew how much I think we all struggle with this! And if people think they don't, then I think they're in denial. I've felt in survival mode for the last couple of months - and I do the same flip-flopping between guilt for not doing everything just right, to not really caring because I feel like I just can't do it! I know for me, it's mostly just a "depending on God and not just depending on me thing". I know so many people who would agree with me - that you are a wonderful mom! I'm sure so many, like me, admire so many things about you as a mother - your consistency, your calm attitude, and especially your desire to grow your kids in the Lord! I know that wasn't what you were fishing for here, but be encouraged that your great momminess does not go unnoticed. I've had a revelation lately to work on the things God wants to change in me, and I feel like all my other desires will start falling into place where the Lord wants them. I heard something the other day on Focus on the Family that helped me and this is paraphrased at best: Your worth as a person does not depend on how well your children behave!
Love you Kelli!
(Just replying to a comment...)
Oh yes, the beach trip when David graduated. That was certainly not any of our better sides, at least not those of us in NC, anyway! The 3 of us girls who were there were coming to terms with our jealousy of Ellen. :) I know I failed at making a good first impression! Then there was the attempt to learn Bridge...and it all went down hill from there!
It's so awesome to look back on things, giggle, and be pleased with the way God has matured us and grown us up, isn't it?! It's definitely not a process we can give ourselves credit for!
Take care! :)
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