Ok, really....Most of you that read this know me. Some of you know me well enough to know that I may appear to have it all together but in reality it just APPEARS that way. Not that I try to pretend.......Well, ok, I did say we should be honest. I caught myself the other day, pretending. The saddest part was that I was doing a miserable job at it. Why is it that as soon as you start trying to appear like you are Wonder Woman/ Super Mom that is inevitably the moment that everything falls apart! I'm not really asking. I know why. I serve a God that loves me enough to not let me pretend for a moment that I can do it all without Him.
The day of our churches child/baby dedication was the day that the Lord chose to show me my inability to be Wonder Woman/Super Mom. The week before the dedication Dan and I picked out meaningful verses for each of our children, we wrote heart-felt letters, we were ready to publicly dedicate our children to the Lord. That morning I was a frazzled MESS! I almost cried a million times that morning, I yelled at my children, tried to fool my parents into believing I can do it all so they would be super proud, floated through church like a zombie and finally succumbed to the tears when we got home and I faced the task of making lunch.
What did I accomplish by this little one person production? I will tell you what I didn't accomplish. I didn't prove to anyone that I am a better mother based on how my children look on Sunday mornings. I didn't fool my parents. They know me to well. They already think I am a good mother, though. They love me to well. I didn't enjoy this meaningful opportunity to dedicate, publicly, my children's lives to the Lord. I don't even remember it! You want to know what I remember? I remember Elise climbing up on the stage and then sitting down on the steps. I remember Olivia talking and crying because she wanted to be with Nana in the pew. I remember squeezing Elise's shoulder to get her to stand still, making her cry......during the prayer of dedication. I remember thinking, "Everyone is looking at us and what are they going to think of this Youth Minister and his family?"
ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? What has happened to me? Since when did I care what they thought? Well, I have always cared but I haven't been sleep deprived enough to let anyone know it. It has always been my "act" to seem disintrested in the opinions of others.
It is an act.
It is my way of protecting myself. If I act like I don't care then if they don't like me maybe it won't hurt so bad. Well. It usually doesn't consume me like it did that day. But the ugliness of it came crashing in on me hard! I have a two-month old son. OK!!! I do not have it all together! I am TIRED. I reach a point almost every day that if one more child comes and asks me for something I will LOOSE IT!!
BUT, I can not even imagine doing anything else in the world. I don't have to have it all together to be a good mom. I don't even have to pretend to have it all together! Why do I try?
I often get so focused on portraying the wonderful life that God has given me and that I rejoice in daily that I forget to actually enjoy the wonderful life that God has given me. Am I alone out there? Come on Moms, give me some love. I am not the only one out there that tries to appear like Super Mom . . . . . am I???
Even if I am the only one, I am NOT Super Mom. I am just, Kelli. Daughter of the Most Holy God, wife of Daniel, mother of FaithLyn, Elise, Olivia, and Judson. That is enough. That is all I need to strive for.
No more pretending........Not today anyway, I already burned our dinner!
8 comments:
Wow, your pointed question scared all of us "Super Moms" away.
This post doesn't deserve a comment on a blog, it deserves a long visit. Since we are miles away the phone will have to do. But let me just say a simple No. You are not the only mom who pretends to be super mom. Any mom who says they do not pretend is, well, pretending. That's that. Sometimes the energy that we have available for pretending is more plentiful than other times. During the times when our energy is low and we don't have any left over to put on an act, that's when we have the courage to admit that we're pretending. It's refreshing, right? To lay it all out on the table and not have to constantly check to make sure that everything is appearing just right.
I'll call soon. I love you-
Thanks for your openness & honesty, Kelli! In my efforts lately to please everyone around me, I've realized how much I've failed lately, especially in what should be my priorities. This sleep deprivation stuff seems to bring out more of who we really are, doesn't it? Scary. :|
How desparately we all need the constant refining of God's touch in our lives, especially mommies. This one extra cap we've been given to wear comes with much responsibility, but thank the Lord that He doesn't give us more than we can bear...yep, it's true, even though we seem really close to breaking. ;)
Kelli,
You always hit the nail on the head with your open and honest blogs! Thank you for sharing yourself, because through it you have helped me see myself a little better. Believe me - I KNOW all too well what you felt like that day! What a beautiful thing for God to teach you, and what a beautiful person you are for listening to Him! I think every one of us at one time or another has felt like a big pretender, but it's that breaking point that brings it into perspective! You are such a wonderful Mom, who has challenged me so many times to be a better mom and stronger in my faith! Thank you again for your honesty - it helps to know other moms feel the same way sometimes!
Mandy
Thanks, girls for your love! I know we all go through it but it sure is nice to have some Super Moms admit they struggle, too!
Love you all!
In honor of your post, listen to my day. Chad was home yesterday morning, so I got to sleep in a little. I didn't set my alarm because I knew one of the kids would wake me up. Well, they didn't and I missed our chiropractor appointment. That's not so bad unless you realize that we have been there FIVE times and I have yet to make it there on time. No kidding. I hate missing appointments but I just cannot get myself to this particular office for some reason. The first time I got lost, the second time I went on the wrong day. The third time I was off by an hour. The fourth time I was a day early and the fifth time I slept through it. Now I don't want to go back because I'm embarrassed because I know they think I'm a wreck. And I don't like people to know that I'm a wreck. The office workers all said stuff like, "No, no. You're fine. Don't worry about it. You have three kids. We'll get you in, don't worry." Ug. I know they're really saying, "Bless your heart. They trust you with children. Wow, hope you make it home okay."
Already in a bad/sad mood, I decided to give up the fight and take the kids to McDonald's, of all places. Gross. We never eat at McDonalds, but I was lured by the hazlenut iced coffee and we sat down to eat. We finished our dinner (Jake ate his ENTIRE cheeseburger!!) and got in the car. As I pulled out of the parking lot, I looked over my right shoulder to check my blind spot and I HIT THE CURB. Nailed it. I heard all of the air gush out of my tire. I pulled into a spot, looked around to see if anyone saw what had happened, and called Chad. He had to leave work during the lunch rush to come rescue me. As he changed the spare, the van fell off the jack because I didn't push the parking break. Chad got it all finished up and, as we drove away we heard a terrible grinding noise. I just knew that I broke our new car completely. We called a tow truck to come get us and Chad sent me on home with the kids while he waited with the car (Two hours). And it was all my fault.
We all have days. I was glad to wake up this morning to a brand new one.
Love you-
Wow, Sorry for the rough day. Hope the van is ok. Did it come with a warranty? Love you!
Kelli, I cried most of the way through this post because I relate so completely. It's nice to know (from the other mom-comments too) that we're not alone. :) Love you guys!
Hey, I'm right there with you all!!! :) It is nice to know that I'm not the only one who doesn't have it all together!!! :) It is soooo hard to balance everything that goes with this time in life!!! :) Thanks for your honesty!!!
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