Breaking the Silence

I have been silent for a while. I have tried to post several times and my heart just hasn't been it. I don't have much to say. Or the truth is, I don't like what I have to say. The thoughts that keep running through my head and heart are less than ideal and I have to admit I am a bit embarrassed to share them but since that was the whole point of this blog. . .HERE WE GO.

My new theme verses for this summer, or how ever long it takes me to move past this, is Psalm 23. Right now I am stuck on verse 1. "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want." You see, when we first moved here the first three sermons we heard were on this Psalm. The first two times I took great comfort in this thinking God was reassuring me that my needs will be met and I will not want for anything. The third time I heard it I realized that I will not want doesn't just mean that my needs will be met but that I will be content with what the Lord provides. Do any of you remember being taught by your parents the difference between wants and needs? I am often emphasizing the difference for my three year old daughter. Well, right now, God is doing the same for me. Darn if I don't want to be the one telling him what I need right now.

Don't get me wrong, ALL of our needs and then even some of our wants have been faithfully met by our good Shepherd. He has even used some of you to meet those needs and wants. But I have some ideals about the kind of life I want to live that are having to die a slow death. The only real problem here is that I have not been informed of God's plan for us. I don't like to be left out of the planning stage! SO I am just sitting here waiting to be told what to do. OK, I can wait, but I am a little sad at the attitude I have adopted during this time of waiting. I have been learning a lot about myself. And frankly, I could have done with out some of the pictures I have seen into my heart! It is full of pride! I think a lot more highly of myself than I should. I am not quite as capable as I thought and dadgumit I don't know how to not let the stress affect my family. For about the last two weeks I haven't been very pleasant to be around. I have tried to blame my crossness on various things but when it comes down to it I just don't want this transition to be hard and IT IS! I am at the point of facing my total lack of drive and ambition. My goal every morning is to just make it through another day. I am in survival mode. But the question is, what am I trying to survive? Life? The fact that God has called me to a life that is different from my ideal? GOOD GRIEF, WOMAN!! GET A GRIP!!

God is teaching me something and unfortunately He is in the process of peeling the ugly hard layers back from my sick diseased heart. He just wants to make it healthy again. I want that with every part of me but does it have to hurt so bad? So right now, I am at a crossroads. Do I really want God's best for my life or will I settle for an easier road because I don't want to make the sacrifices needed to get to the blessings God has for me? You know I settle for less than God's best for me in a million different ways everyday. I pick the easier thing or the quick fix to boost my mood rather than cure the disease where it is growing. But right now, I want you all to know that I am choosing God's best for my life and for my family. Even though I can't see how this is all going to turn out, even though Dan doesn't have a job yet, even though I feel like this doesn't make sense I am choosing to give up this view of life that says it should be easy to follow God and if you do everything will turn out better than before. Because that verse, "The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want." it doesn't mean I will always know where I am being led, or that I will always see the next step. It only means that I am content in the knowledge that I have a God who can see and does know and He wants good for me, not harm. He knows what I need and He will make sure I get it. And not just me, this good shepherd welcomes all in and has more than enough resources to care for us all. He owns the cattle on a thousand hills. Be content in His provision and rest.

Rest.

This would be a good time to move on to the next verse, "He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul." Psalm 23:2